Friday, November 10, 2017

Child Abuse - why this?

Why me? What wrong I have done? Why this happened to me? 
But this is happening to me every time when I sit alone in my room. The ghost always comes and tries to take over me.

This thing had happened to me many years back.

But still it haunts me. Why?
 At That time, when it happened,  I could not notice what happened to me? Even after almost after 40 years now I am unable to know, as to why this happened to me????

After so many years still I am crawling in a shell, where everything is dark. There is no way out. But why?
He is a devil for me. Just a thought of him is enough to ruin me.

I was just sitting alone in my room and light entering through the window. I tried to look outside window to see, how beautiful this world is?

But suddenly a thought attacked my mind. It enters in mind like an unseen virus and i feel as if  his fingers touching all over my body

I might have been a child of 12 years when for the first time he came to our house. He was an stage actor. He used to stay with us at our home during dussehra festival.

Then i could not notice what closeness meant.  He used to stay in my home on many occasions. He would come to my study room and to my table. he would cajole me while standing behind. The chair at my back worked as a barrier between me and him. But my shoulders, neck and cheeks all were in his touching range. He would liberally caress all over. 
Once there was seminar and he stayed in our home over night. i used to study late in night. After studying i slept. In night i felt something un-usual. I could not make out. But while sleeping i found myself cuddled to him. He was much elder to me. 
From that night unusual things started happening to me while sleeping.
I felt him cuddling to me and kissing me. He encircled his arms around me, so that i was in his complete grip of arms. with pauses he used to kiss me and sometimes tried to hug me tightly. whenever i used to feel uncomfortable due to his tight grip of arms he would immediately loosen his arms and planted liquid kisses, as if assuring that nothing to worry. 
These kind of cuddling carried on for days without my noticing any un-common things. And these things happened while sleeping, so i could not notice. But once he encircled me with his grip of arms, that time they were strong arms for me. he grabbed me so tightly that while sleeping i felt uncomfortable, suddenly my body reacted and i tired to come out of his grip, swiftly he loosened his arms and kissed me while caresing with arms over me. I felt that liquid on me, on my forehead and cheeks.
In the middle of night in slumber, again i went to sleep.
Again he tried. By this time i had become used to all these cuddling kisses etc while sleeping.
He had put one leg crossed over me, while holding me in his arms. he continued to cares me, my hairs, cheeks and body. he planted kisses over me. slightly pressing his leg on me. he started applying pressure on my body with his leg and knee. He had by then removed his banyan. thus i could get smell of sweat of his chest and arms. He kissed me on forehead and said good child.

i could feel his breath. it became heavier & heavier with high frequency. it was hot air. he put his big palm on my chest and slowly pressing on me. then i found that he had removed the lungi, the drape which he was wearing. Slowly he then took me more close to his belly. my body was touching his bare chest and belly. there was nothing between me and his body. He adjusted me beside his body so that my right hand was between his legs.  when my hand touched his belly and thigh skin then i came to now that He had untied and loosened his lion cloth(underwear cloth).
Suddenly he guided my right arm, towards his front area where both his legs met. he adjusted his leg over me so that my hand touched his private part.  then he took my hand and made to grip over his part. It was a tube like, bulging thing. It was tickling also. it was a hard tube like but with smooth skin. he made my hand to hold it in grip. Then he pressed his leg over me and grabbed my body as to take me under his belly. his kisses increased. he started breathing more heavily over me. he tightened his arms around me so i felt he will break my bones. suddenly that point of time I must have tried to come out of his clutches then he loosened his grip and with more frequency started kissing me. 
He by now grew more impatient. he started kissing with mouth and tongue on my cheeks. he had put his mouth over my cheek and tried to suck my cheeks into his mouth while rolling his tongue. i felt all his saliva over my cheeks. His long warm fleshy tongue rolled over me giving a very warm fleshy sensation, which i had never felt before. he then paused. so as to assuring me. again in slumber i tried to sleep. but after few moments he again started all those acts over me. But this time his aggression was more. with his strong arms grip tightened and his mouth started working over my face. his tongue acted as if cleaning all my face.
with his tight grip of arms he drew me close and pressed under his belly. he started doing some to and fro motion over my body. in between he also tried to put my hand over his tool which was very hard & erect. he started pressing me more vigorously.  when his pressure grew unbearable i tried to come out of his grip. Then he loosened and in that DARKness he said what happened my child. 

After few days when he stayed again in our house he made me to cling his body. He was well built and elder to me. while sleeping as usual i felt some unusual things but those had become usual to me by then. He was encircling me from behind, caressing my body. His bare chest was touching my bare back. He must have removed slightly my dress at back. when he tightened his grips over me i felt uncomfortable, and thus tried to move. At that point he forcibly stopped me from turning. As i was in in grip of his strong arms around me i could not move. He started applying pressure on me with tight hug. But he was trying to be gentle also, as he many times loosened his grip over me and kissed me as if assuring  that " Do not to worry". Actually he was grooming me into all this trap.
After some time when again i fell in sleep he might have tried all his force on my back due to that i wokeup and tried to come out of his grip. But i was no match to his mighty strong arms i could not.
He became violent. Vigorously he kissed me with tightening his strong arms around me and with force he thrust-ed his belly at my back. He applied his saliva at my back and thrust himself. I felt strange and blown to pieces at that touch of saliva and his flesh at my back. He was halfway through at that moment feeling extremely unusual with help of God i got some strength and i could come out of his grips. Ran out and closed myself into bathroom, i dont know for how long.

All these thought come over me again and again

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