Bhinna Shadja a doucmentary on Kishori Amonkar ji

Ustad Alladiya khan Saheb - THE Greatest Vocalist of Hindustani Art Music.

Man Kyoon Behka Re Behka Aadhi Raat Ko - Utsav | Rekha | Lata Mangeshkar...

Neelam Ke Nabh Chhayee Pukharaji Janki - Utsav | Rekha | Lata Mangeshkar

Koyelia Gaan Thama -- Begum Akhtar

Begum Akhtar as we know today was a shining star of our Hindustani Classical Indian Music. While Thinking about her life i feel it was a path full of thorns on which she had to walk all through her life.
Born in a family of traditional singers she was destined to become a singer.
In some LP records of past years it was written as Akhtari Bai Faizabadi. As per tradition in end of songs each singer had to announce his or her name. similarly Begum also announced "Akhtari Bai Faizabadi".
That indicates she hailed from Faizabad. This town is famous for many gems of Indian Classical music often known as Hindustani music. Most famous SuperStar of her times




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When she married to Abbasi saheb, a lawyer at Lucknow, she became Begum Akhtar from Akhtari Bai ji. But this life, seems to be of respected household, was full of restrictions. it is learnet that she as Begum Abbasi was forbidden from singing in public. how awkward was our society back then? (i think still in present times society is same) Man visit girls-women of their choice, even she is a dancer or tawaif but once she is married she had to follow all restrictions. Thus Begam Akhtari sahiba, who was born & brought up in singing atmosphere and she was well known as an singer par excellence suddenly could not sing anywhere in public-not in front of MEN in particular.

that's why i framed "a free bird put in a cage" appropriately. described her situation. She became ill, due to this suffocation.

All India Radio became one of the greatest patron for our classical artists of that time, in absence of kings-queens. Here too AIR Lucknow came to rescue of Begum Sahiba. She sang three songs-ghazals & dadra, to everyone's relief she was cured off her ailments. True artist inside her won the battle that she was fighting within for 5 years after marriage. 

Begum Sahiba as she can be addressed,

sang many songs in Bengali too. Imagine how difficult it might have been. She hailed from Faizabad in UP and in that area mostly poorvi boli dialect is used. Eastern Uttar Pradesh has little bit different dialect from Central Uttar Pradesh. She learned in Faizabad, must have visited Varanasi, Lucknow also, but in those times Calcutta was a big cultural hub. Most of famous Tawaifs of those times often dream of going to Calcutta to perform. thinking that if they get recognition in Calcutta then their dreams will come true.

Begum Akhtar also went to Calcutta, not only went but sang in Bengali too? What type of training she might of got and from whom? Who taught her to sing in Bengali? that time standard of teaching learning was of high.

In modern India people start fighting over language? Bengali will say bad about Hindi. Tamil area rise against Hindi? similarly now Punjabi and Karnataka areas have also started opposing Hindi? Begum Akhtar sang in Hindi, Urdu, Awadhi, Bengali also. But She has some PATIALA gharana connection too? if i am not wrong?

Every seasons had different style of singing & songs. in months of March, April, May
Basant, sawan, ashadh ect have different songs.
Begum Akhtar sang this famous song in Bengali- asking Koyal to stop singing as it pierce inside her heart. Pangs of longing & separation for lovers is portrayed through words & singing.

I term it as vachik abhinaya, where swar play important role. how to say particular swar, in what tone, thus tonal quality of voice was very important in singing. those times tawaif were expert in using tone or swar in portraying bhaav. that was not practicable by women in married household. 

As Shanti Hiranand, who was disciple of Begum Akhtar at Lucknow told man times, about difference in style of singing by tawaifs and other ladies. Tawaif being free birds could be naughty, while singing they used sensuous tones or words in many ways, also facial expression were added. Thus in mehfil singing they excelled. Bhaav Batana in swar abhinaya. But greatness is in learning or mastering this art. 

DADRA by Begum Akhtar: it is sung in the awadhi dialect, that we speak or listen in and around Lucknow, Kanpur, Sitapur, Unnao, Hardoi area. The lyrics are symbolic and indirectly tease the listener or the patron. Subtle nuances or erotic emotions are created through the suggestive lyrics and also through the voice modulation. Emotion through voice - it is hard to learn these, but in the their learning classes and through daily life experiences those dancing girls of bygone era learned all that ABHINAYA? Vachik Abhinaya as it is called. As in theatre the actor on stage delivers the dialogue but with the emotions, that's called the Vachik Abhinaya.

DADRA

Piya aiso jiya mein - Sahib Bibi aur Ghulam [Colourised]

We have been loving the black and white version of this song for decades. Now this color version has come up? Is it better than the earlier version?
the original version in Black and white, was superb in camera angles, editing. Total song picturisation had come out the best, as far as i am concerned. While listening tho the beats of the song, i can see that each frame moves along with each beat, taal of music. Have you experienced that? Since i am a dancer so my biased view is towards the dance? Don't you feel that whole of aspect involved dance movements of of the song. Editor of song sequnce has edited, added frames exactly in consonance of beat-taal of music, See again & try to see when frame changes, it's called a cut? count the cuts

Respcted GuruDutt saheb was himself a dancer? Yes as he had enrolled himself in Dance Academy established by Most respected Uday Shankar ji in Almora? In this song picturisation, lots of movements were having that training aspects? I think so.

Watch again, and experience the beats, and realize that at every cut there seemed to be an transition of beat of music?

 That era of black and white was superb. Present generation who is born in colors or colors around them cannot appreciate that black and white. But the Art of film making in Black and white and to depict each and every move so brilliantly along with emotions was of high standards. Creativity of camera man, director, screen play writer all came together thus they were able to create such magic for us.

See again both versions and compare which is the best?

Although one cannot deny the fact that Meena Kumari did superb acting? still there no match to her skills on screen. As if she was born to do films? A creative soul she was.
following is a tweet representing that anxiety or wait of nayika? 

हर आहट पे समझी वो आय गयो रे
पिया ऐसो जिया में समाय गयो रे कि मैं तन मन की सुध बुध गवाँ बैठी
film:Saheb bibi aur ghulam

Women awaits her Nayak
crow's cry indicates someone will be visiting house? #Rasikapriya ca. 1800 Edwin Binney 3rd Collection
The San Diego Museum of Art pic.twitter.com/MqgbCvzPO7

— g katyan misra (@kamlesm) July 24, 2019

Valentine is alien word. Prem-Bhakti was prevalent. Madhurya Bhakti. two bhaav-Nirgun & Saguna. Krishna Radha is purest form of Nirgun Bhakti? one is Gyan ashrayi other is Prem shrayi. But both culminate in Krishna.
even there is Sakhi bhakti(sampraday) aatma pines for Paramaatma pic.twitter.com/r8ViWLZgRJ

— g katyan misra (@kamlesm) February 14, 2019

jalwa zara dikha de ajmerwaale khwaaja

Qawwali by Shankar-Shambhu

EVM Machine

I got chance to work as a Returning Officer in a local body election. As per my experience I can say types of precautions & procedures adopted are such that no tampering can be done in EVM machines. Few days before election date machines were assembled at a large place. This place is out of reach of any unauthorized person, such is the security arrangement. I-cards are the only thing which can provide access to such areas. If our security personnel are strict then no one can enter this area.

Recently the elections in Uttar Pradesh has been completed and results were a debacle for many parties. Few are pointing fingers towards rigging of EVM Machines. For the last 40 years I had been hearing about polling booth CAPTURING by few unsocial elements which were backed by political parties. In every election in UP we used to hear about such incidences. New EVM is more security proof. Once the close button is pressed by the presiding officer EVM cannot register any vote. Thus possibility of making votes other than listed in the voters list or even by capturing booths is negligible. After pressing the button to vote there is a gap after which next vote can be made/pressed. In event of booth capturing there ought to be huge amount of patience on part of them to wait and press again and again the button to vote. I think They will not be in position to manipulate votes, since they will not have such patience. Unlike ballot papers they used to put seal marks on ballot papers rapidly without any break and put all ballot papers into box. That in-built time taking mechanism after casting of vote by pressing button in EVM machine will be enough to surpass the patience of looters.


At time of preparing voting machines EVM all election officials and all political parties are invited for a demonstration. At the time of checking machines also all political parties in fray are invited to see and check for themselves all machines.
We had to check hundreds of EVM. All Buttons, switches and sounds together with the working of display units were checked. After satisfying ourselves machines are brought to the desk for further preparations. Two engineering/Technical hands from the company for technical support were also there. In case of any fault in machine my staff used to call them to rectify the technical snag. 
EVM Machines were distributed/allotted to each Returning Officers as per the number of polling booths in their jurisdiction. After that each machine is tagged with identification numbers.
Each EVM and their boxes were tagged. whole lot of one returning officer was kept separately presumably under custody of RO. But high security provided by the Security personnel from administration kept on vigil. It is only due to all security personnel deputed on Election duty we were able to conduct elections peacefully. There is no doubt about it. I salute all the police forces, security forces who kept guard during election process. it was like 24X7 job for them and as well as for me.

Preparing EVM is a complex but simple process if done step by step. All the presiding and polling officers were given training many times to operate EVMs. Just before lining up of the machines for each Returning Officers, we were also asked to invite all the candidates and political parties to come and see or check EVM at the time of allotting to the Returning Officers. Candidates were requested to check for themselves for their own satisfaction. I had telephoned to many candidates at short notice as was given to me by the Director of election. Few came and few went away citing the delay and time taken in the process. Process of allotment of  EVM took whole one day. It was very tiring job for me. As all those EVMs were being allotted to me, thinking the seriousness i was not able to breath freely. 
Then each and every step there is method of putting identification and check points to safe guard the whole process. All those EVM machines allotted to my area were kept in boxes and keys were handed over to me. That time I cant tell how I was feeling?. Sound of thumping heart was so deafening to my ears. Holding those keys in my hands i was terribly shaking. All those big boxes were transported to another area from where these will have to be distributed to the poling parties.
Each EVM had already been checked and properly numbered. Each were affixed with the list of candidates in election and were properly locked. Two units usually form a set one is the main unit and other is the ballot unit. At the time of distribution EVM to poling parties i did not know as to which EVM unit will go to which party? Since at the time of distribution every poling party is given time to properly check the EVMs allotted to them and try to operate. In case of technical problem these EVMs are changed that time itself. After all checks done by each presiding officers we finalize the allotment of EVMs. 

At the start of Elections dot on time around 7 AM or any time which is fixed for that elections presiding officers were supposed to start preparing EVMs in advance. so that at the time of start of elections voters may start voting and they should not be kept waiting after that time. But before that the polling agents or candidates if present must check and satisfy themselves about the functioning of EVMs. They were requested to put their signatures and seal if so they desire. This process is taken up at every step since beginning i.e. from the preparation of EVMs and the time of affixing the numbers tag to each EVMs the serial numbers or any identification numbers can be listed by candidates and /or they can put their signature and seal. In poling booth also same procedure is adopted so that no doubt left among the candidates.

The most important thing is the mock poll. This has to be done compulsorily. It is a mandatory exercise each poling booth has to take it up. And there is no limit on number of votes or mock buttons are to be pressed. If candidates are 50 then? each can press button to cast mock vote 5 times that amounts to the 50X5 votes 250? In TV news channels few were airing that software are there to manipulate the polling after 100 votes.

 But in our Democracy beauty is that at each step proper transparency is maintained. Every chance is given to candidates to be satisfied over the election process so that it can be held in a free and fair manner. In each Voting machine a paper seal is affixed by presiding officer before locking it to start voting and at that time each candidate in election can put his signature on paper seal. Often polling agents in poling booth do on behalf of their candidate. After satisfactory MOCK POLL EVM machine is locked and properly sealed. MOCK POLL is done in front of every one so as to ensure that machine EVM is functioning properly. It happens in front of every one and done by each of the poling agent therefore no doubt is left on fairness of machines.
On the date of election news from many poling stations came about non functioning of EVMs. For that I had already allotted few spare EVMs to my Sector officer. two or three machines were kept in his vehicle so that he can immediately change these machines and election process can continue without any break. All this happens in front of polling agents/candidates and public thus chance of sabotage in nill.



As I observed that Many times technical problem was that of pressing button either by poling official or the voter without waiting for the proper moment. In the machine when a button is pressed by the officer then only vote can be made by pressing the buttons in the ballot unit. if the button is pressed before that moment it will give error. Thus with little patience every voter is directed to press the button at the proper moment.
After election time is over the tallying is done. Means the list of voters casted votes and the number of votes counted by the machine are tallied, if any discrepancy is found same is to be reported in appropriate paper. It is rare case that votes polled is more than the voters list.
Each step is so tuff that any kind of mistake can easily be caught. Then punishment is also harsh
On the previous night of election day i could not sleep properly. For hours I took round visiting each and every polling booth of my area that consisted of six wards. I went to see that every poling party has reached their poling station or not. Each had got their EVM machine unit with them or not.
It took few hours to take a full round of whole area of which I was Returning officer. In the morning of polling also i had taken a full round to see whether each polling party has started preparing their gadgets and space.  Is there any difficulty or not. Once polling started then onward continuously I was on move for whole day. some times to give EVMs machine to replace at poling stations, or sorting out any difficulty in other polling process etc.

After all the machines were collected at one place that was called strong room. I was asked to keep the key with me, it was like a heart attack to me, I started trembling. Thing was that in that room machines of two Returning officers were kept. I was asked to keep a key with me. I said no, you give another key to that second Returning Officer whose machines are kept in the same room with mine.
I dont know how that senior officer agreed and did not show any angry face to me. On the day of counting we both Returning officers ought to be present with the keys kept with us to open the strong room. However the security of strong room was not directly under me even though key was with me.
All the process of locking and putting seal on the lock of strong room was video graphed.
On that day when both two keys will be present then only door of strong room would be open. Thus i saved myself from owing the responsibility of protection of Machines of another Returning Officer. I shared that responsibility with that returning officer.
Whole area where many such strong rooms were erected was under strong security from all sides. No entry was allowed in that area without proper ID Card issued by authority.

On counting day all the appointed counting agent and polling agents were allowed inside and to those who had valid I-Cards singed by me. On each table where counting is being done counting agents of political parties were standing to keep record of all the happenings. The number of voters, number of votes polled in that EVM. If any discrepancy is noticed by counting or poling agents of candidates proper mechanism is there to register their complains.
I counted the postal ballets in front of all contesting candidates, made a table and gave to the counting desk for further actions. Step by step all counting process began and results were announced after signing by me on each result sheet containing number of votes cast in each polling booth. After that I had to sign a certificate of Election to the wining candidate.
Thus i think it is wrong to say that election through EVM is rigged or can be rigged.
I even think why not voting can be done through Internet? In this digital India why not use digital mechanisms /tools for elections?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electronic_voting_in_India

Lavani Dance, Folk Dance of Maharashtra.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tamasha

A tribute to Juthika Roy - Ghunghat Ka Pat Khol Re Tohe Piya Milenge

Jyotika Roy, Singer with golden voice sang for many films later turned to Bhajans.

2.

3.

Saalumarada Thimmakka – Mother to 384 Banyan Trees

Virasat - Meena Kumari :: New Edition

second part
 
now

The Life And Death of Meena Kumari | Tabassum Talkies

Poetry, Sanskrit, literature in India

where our poetry stands? in a nation where poetry was evolved many millenniums BC, yes-before Christ. Then Read it in light of the hastag? #NationalPoetryDay?

Are they pointing towards the Indian Poetry or they are pointing towards the poetry brought from an alien country to India? We should see our Indian literature in light of development of literature in other parts of world. Where was the literature of those countries when our ancient poets, created such a rich treasure. But in present times people turn blind when name of #Sanskrit comes.

Most of ancient works were in Sanskrit therefore those who don’t know Sanskrit cry loud and try to project our Sanskrit as something backward, and praise English? When English was born? But do they believe that any other language will not take place of English?

Chinese or French or German, Japanese? People speaking these languages do not read write or speak English? Even English of USA and UK are very different from each other.

Sanskrit in this land has played a role of unification of many cultures, faiths, traditions, local languages, philosophy, Music, arts, Architecture etc. How can we forget Sanskrit? It is our Root. Root to many Indian Languages. But due to some invaders and rulers we have been cut off from our roots. Thus new generation do not know about our great Indian rich Literature. Neither they study about literature in school nor they listen or learn in their homes. The past and present generation is to be blamed for that.

If ruling parties can decide that there should be reservation on basis of caste then they could have given the first place to Sanskrit among all our Indian languages. But politicians fought over languages also.

AbhinavGupta went to Kashmir and wrote in Sanskrit. Adi Sankaracharya from Keral went around India and communicated with people at various places. He created his treasures in Sanskrit. I mean in those times most of the works were written in Sanskrit. Sanskrit was the easiest mode of communication. From Kashmir, Kamroop-Kamakhya, Manipur(Sankar Dev), Ujjain, Magadh, Kashi-Banaras-now Varanasi, Jaipur, Baroda, Pune(poona), Mysore everywhere Sanskrit was understood by scholars. Discourses were done in Sanskrit.

Aryabhatt, Bhaskaracharya, Katyayan, Panini, Ayurveda, Kalidas, Chanakya, Jayadev, all wrote in Sanskrit. What is status of Sanskrit today?

The Journey from Uma Devi To Tun Tun | Tabassum Talkies

Child Abuse at Home? what was it? why me? he was elder to me?

vkt fQj og xkuk lqukbZ iM x;k Vhoh ijA ,d dejs es cUn gks vkSj pkHkh [kks tk;A  bl xkus dks lqudj mlus tks flldkjk fy;k Fkk og vkokt vkt Hkh dkuks es xwta jgh gSA

ml fnu ?kj es dksbZ ugha FkkA lc yksx ckgj x;s FksA fiDpj esa og xkuk vk;k rc og flldh ys dj fleV x;k FkkA fQYe [kRe gksus ij [kkuk [kk;k nksuks usA dqN mijh fn[kkok djus yxs nksuks tSls fdlh ?kMh+ dk bUrtkj dj jgs FkssA vkf[kj og ?kMh+ vk gh x;hA

iyxa ij dksbZ lks;k FkkA jkr dk vU/kdkj Fkk pkjks rjQA dqN fn[k ugha jgk FkkA og cs[kcj Hkh Fkk fd ?kj es dksbZ vkSj ugha gS tks ns[k ysxkA blls igys fd jkr dk v/kadkj vkSj ?kgjkrk nwljk lk;k dc ml iyxa es vkx;k irk gh ugh pykA g`n;xfr gFkhSsMs+ lh okj dj jgh Fkh ij 'kk;n lqukbZ fdlh dks ugha ns jgh FkhA iyxa ij Hkwpky py jgk FkkA vc nks vkd`fr;ks dks vyx ls nsk fxuk ugh tk ldrkA nksuks ,d gks x;h FkhA dMkds dh lnhZ jkr dk ?kuk v/ksjk vkSj mlij ?kj es fdlh dk ugha gksuk lc feydj dkj.k curs gSa mls cy'kkyh cukus ds fy,A 
muds lkeus rks eS ,d NksVh lh tkuA mlds fy, rks jtkbZ es mldk f'kdkj Fkk ftls og tc pkgs tSls pkgs oSls bLrseky dj ldrk FkkA ogh mlus fd;kA cl fQj D;k Fkk ge rks jg x, dsoy ,d dBiqryh dh rjgA nks cnu ,d jtkbZ es ,d nwljs es xqFexqFFkk gks dj lnhZ ls yMrs jgsA

mlus ckgksa es dl fy;k vkSj ckgksa ds ?ksjs es og NksVh tku dlelk xbA cMs lk;s us NksVs cnu dks pkjks rjQ ls ckgksa es tdM fy;kA dqN fojks/k u ikdj mles cy vk x;kA
og gels mez es cMs FksA db cjlks ls esjs ?kj ij gh :drs FksA gedks ckgksa es tdM dj pweus yxsA og cMk lk;k NksVs lk;s ij vk?kkr lk djus yxkA mlus vkosx c<k fn;k vkSj iwjs vkosx ls NksVs cnu ij vk?kkr djus yxkA vkSj eS dqN dlelkm rks rqjUr <hys gks tkuk ckgkas es I;kj ls Hkj ysuk vkSj <sj lkjs xhys pqEcu nsuk vkfn djrk jgk ml jkrA eq>s brus cMs cnu ds uhps nck fn;k tSls ihl fn;k gksA vkSj fQj mij ls tksj tksj ls vk?kkr djuk lc vthc lk Fkk og mldk vthc lh flldkjh Hkjh vkokt fudkyuk vHkh rd esjs dkuks es xwtrh gSA

fQj tc Hkh og 'kgj vkrk rks gekjs ?kj gh ij :drk A

cl tSls jkr gksus dk bUrtkj djrkA jkr dks lc lks tkrsA jkr ds vU/skjs esa f'kdkjh ekSds dk Qk;nk mBk dj esjs mij dc /kkok cksy nsrk Fkk irk ugha pyrk FkkA D;ksfd ge lks jgs gksrs FksA ijUrq tc eq>s vius cnu es dqN gksus yxrk Fkk rc gh irk py ikrk Fkk fd og vk x;k gSA ml jkr Hkh og vk;k FkkA

’kke ls ge f[kMdh ls ijns dh vksV ls ns[k jgs Fks mlsA ge mlds lkeus ugh tkuk pkgrs Fks! mls tSls irk Fkk fd ge mls ns[k jgs gSaA mlus f[kMdh dh rjQ ns[k dj eqLdqjk;k FkkA ges yxk fd gekjh pksjh idMh xbA ij og ’kSrku rks ns[k dj glrk gh jgkA geus lcds fy;s pk; cukb ij vc ckgj rks tkuk gh iM+k pk; nsus ds fy,A ml le; ml dh vk[kksa esa ’kSrkuh ns[kh FkhA og ?kwjrs gq, eqLdqjk jgk FkkA

jkr dks [kkus ds ckn lc lks x,A ge nsj jkr i<kbZ djrs FksA vius dejs es vkx,A irk ugha dc ge lks x,A lksrs le; dqN vthc eglwl gqvkA

पर कइ बार कुछ अजिब हो चुका था इसलिये ज्यादा ध्यान नही दे पाये. फिर कुछ सामने की तरफ होने लगा. सोते हुये ही 'kk;n उसने हमे अपनी बाँहो ले लिया था | 

हम तो अराम से बाँहो के जाल मे बन्ध गये थे. कभी वह इधर चwमता कभी अपनी बाँहो मे कस कर भीच देता. अगर हम जरा सा हिलते तो अपने गीले चुम्बन से हमें गीला कर देता.  हम फिर सो जाते. जब कुछ देर के बाद हमdks लगा कि हम दबे जा रहे हैं तब हम जग गये. पता चला कि वह हमरे साथ मेरे बिस्तर मे है. और हमे अपनी बाँहो मे जकडे है. जैसे ही उसने जाना कि हम जग गये हैं अचkनक से कस कर अपनी मज्बूत बाँहो मे जकड कर चुम्बन लेने लगा | हो'k मे आने से पहले हि उसने अचनक से हमला सा कर दियk. कई बार अपने बदन से सिमटा लिया और जैसे अपने बदन मे समा लेगा bruh ताकत से कस कर दबा लियk. हम तो कुछ बोल हि नही पाये.

For first few days I could not guess what was happening to me. In morning I used to find some liquid on my front. during night I felt something unusual. While in sleep/ slumber I tried to turn but I could not. I found myself encircled in his arms. Noticing my uncomfort he cleverly loosened his grip of arms and put lot of liquid kisses over me, as if assuring me….  It was midnight I think, since I was deep in sleep. Again there was something happening. I felt myself clung to his chest and his arms encircled me. His one leg was on me. I was in his grip. He was elder to me and strong built. I was getting smell of his chest. different type of aroma was emancipating from his chest, armpits.   He kissed me on my forehead. 

I cling(ed) to his big body. Slowly as night progressed his grip on me also progressed. For the first time in my life I felt these kind of hugs and strong arms around me. His caressing on my body, Slowly touching all body parts were all amazing to me. Someone first time was touching my body. It was something new and surprising, strange.

I found both of his arms around me and i was sleeping clinging to his big body. He kissed me many times, while he was kissing, my lips touched his face. i think Immediately he noticed it. He smiled over my act. In that dark night i noticed his smiling. He again and again tried to repeat those things so that i may be tempted to do i.e. to kiss his cheeks. Thus after few attempts he put his cheeks on my lips so that i can kiss him.

He gave me a tight hug and slowly again kissed me all over as if rewarding me. He was touching as if i am a flower, so gently but yes his grips around me were firm Tight. He had strong arms and a big chest.  he had removed his banyan, my face was touching his bare skin of chest. Many times he was thrusting himself over me and while he was kissing his chest was touching my mouth. Then he once kissed on my chest. That time i felt strange feeling inside me. He had put his chest so close to me that while moving his nipples were almost inside my mouth. Thus his nipples touched my lips. He liked it very much. That time in DARKness i felt he laughed with giggles. He was again and again trying to let me do this thing. And in reward he would offer me his liquid kisses with tight hugs.

He pressed me close to his body. I found his leg on me. All my body was under him now, locked by this leg. I found he had removed his waist cloth (lungi/dhoti). his skin of leg touched my hand, my hand touched his thigh. A big bulk of flesh type of thing was on me. But it was soft skin touch. He started again kissing and in between adjusted me under his belly. He pulled me close to his belly. He had actually removed his cloths for this act i think. But while manipulating all this he never forgot to offer me soft kisses. Suddenly his hand grabed my hand in darkness and guided it towards something. It was big, bulbous, smooth, tube like, jerking and attached to his belly. He made my hand to grab it. Over my hand was his grip. After few seconds he tried to make some movements over his this tube with my hand as if trying to tell me what to do???. Up and down over that tool. I did not know what to do. It was bigger than my grip. He did it with his hand guiding my hand. Suddenly there is change in his behaviour. His grip became tight over my hand and he increased the frequency of movement of his hand. He placed arm tightly around me and pressed me towards his chest. I also griped him and with my mouth chewed his nipples on his chest. He had actually started liking this act of mine and he deliberately tried to do something so that I can do this act on him.

To my astonishment he was naked and I was under his belly, he guided my hand to do movements over his tool. He started doing it vigorously. And as his frequency increased with it his pressure on me and his tightening of arms around me also increased. He actually ascended on me and pressed me under his belly as if he will pierce my belly thrusting his lower belly on me. When I was completely under his chest and belly I could not bear weight of his body, I tried to run away from his grips. He was bigger than me. Strong built. He applied all his force to keep me under his belly as if he will crush me completely. I also tried all my force to come out of his grip. In that dark night I was fighting with this huge body of a strong man. He was completely naked. He many times tried to console me. He kissed me all over me and tried to say few nice words after loosening his arms. But this was for few seconds and suddenly he would become like an uncontrollable beast, again forcing his belly on me. Applying all my force I just slipped out of his grips and ran towards the bathroom. I don’t know for how much time I was there.

Actually he was elder to me thus I could not protest. He very often used to visit our home. While I used to study in my room, in evenings he used to come to my room And stood behind my chair. With his hands he caressed my arms, shoulders and sides of my body as for appreciation saying you are very good child and studious one. Keep it up and all that. But during all this he used to continuously touch all over me. During summers I also did not wear full sleeves, thus his palms keep on touching my skin of hands, neck, shoulders. All this while my chair was like a wall between him and me. Back was raised thus he used to grip me from back of chair.

In nights he used to sneak into my room during darkness of night. While I was sleeping he will cares my body, often took me into his arms etc, I could not notice it since I was sleeping. But yes when he often with full force used to grab my body into his arms then only I could notice that he has come to my bed. But over the years, as if my body got accustomed to his body and all his acts during night.

Many times I could not notice what has happened to me, since in slumber he used to lay beside me and used my body. Once During winter we had visited his village. Inside the quilt he grabbed me in night. He and me, as if we both knew what to do. I was sleeping or pretending i don’t know. He was lying beside me. He started rubbing his hands all over my body, caressing gently. Encircled his arms around me and kissed me. He came prepared today. He had no cloths inside. He had removed his loincloth. In that cold weather his body was warm. Since he had taken me in his grip of arms I also cling to him as if to feel warmth of his big chest. He had no hairs on his chest, bare chest. Two nipples were touching me. He kissed me and i think he knew what i was thinking. What was going on in my mind. Thus he adjusted himself and myself so that my mouth just touched his nipples. As i touched his nipples with my mouth he groaned. And in reward he kissed me and gave me a tight hug. He turned towards me, now we were face to face. 

My face was on his chest and his arms around me pulling towards him. One hand he guided towards that point, it touched his scrotum which was just a fluid like thing. Since he had already removed his underwear everything was within reach of my grip. He guided my hand to it and put grip on his manly tool. It was quite obvious now for me to follow. Since he had taught me many times what to do. He was vigorous. Vigorously he was rubbing his belly on me. He was making some sounds which i had never heard. He continuously kissed me. He put liquid kisses on me. He put his mouth on my cheek and rolled his warm tongue all over my cheek; with saliva my cheeks were wet. He fixed his lips on my cheeks and with force he kissed, as if with vacuum he pulled skin of my cheeks into his mouth. With his large mouth he tried to pull all my cheeks, later it started little pain. Then he kissed on my forehead and neck. I tried to kiss on his chest and nipples. He liked it and repeatedly for some time we played this. First he kissed me then he will put his chest on my mouth then i will kiss his nipples, in return he again kissed me, and then again he put his chest on me so that i can kiss his chest, thus it kept on many times. In that dark night when i cannot see anything in that room, he was playing with me for large part of night.

Then with lots of touching and kissing he turned me. Now he was towards my back. He suddenly tried to pull out my under wear. And he started putting fingers in my front and at the back while he was pressing his bare chest on my back and belly towards me. With little force he tried to insert his thumb at my back. I was uncomfortable and i ran out of cot.

Once, he stayed in our house. After finishing all the chores I also slept. Past midnight I felt something unusual, which was actually usual by now for my body to feel in nights, particularly when he is around. I felt some pressure at my back. Thinking of “usual”, my body tried to accommodate him. After some time again I felt pressure, I tried to roll over and change my position. I could not do. He was at my back and griping me into his arms tightly. He stoped me from changing my position. When I tried he with force didnt let me move. More forcefully, he grabed me towards his chest. Pushed me into his chest. I found that he had shifted my cloths also, and he was naked. Since his chest was touching my back. With the touch of skin I noticed that he was naked. His both arms around me pulling and pressing me towards his big chest. Thus my back was completely attached to his chest and belly and he was keeping it with force.

He applied more pressure. That time I felt uneasiness. All this while I was sleeping and all these years I was used to all this acts of him, thus I could not react instantly. But when the pressure grew and unbearable to me I tried to wake up. To my surprise he with his one hand applied saliva at my back and thrust his penis into my back. With all his might with thrust he pressed his penis on to me while pulling me towards his chest. It was half way through and I woke up to my senses and tried to come out of his grip. I applied all my force and ran out of the bed. He asked what happened child?..  what answer I could have given to him?? He was married this time when he did this.

He has ruined my life. Over the years i think he manipulated my body to his pleasure.

To this day i am unable to forget his touches, his kissing and his thrusting of penis inside me and touch of saliva.. this goes on at various times of day and night. I am unable to forget. I try to forget but sometimes in the darkness of night he takes over me and my body.


Many times the threat is not directly given by the tormentor. As i felt the threat is perceived in my mind. As if I tell what will happen? or Whom to tell? He is elder and known to me, i address him as brother, then who will listen to my complain? if i complain about any one elder? And many other terrifying thoughts comes to the mind of child who are exploited, may be not sexually but many times children are exploited in various ways. Since child does not know or understand what is going on with him or her. There is also a threat that If I tell anyone what this person will do to me?

In homes we observe that the tormentor(abuser) is often a familiar person to child victim.
Since those times in my life i had been thinking about my siblings. whether they had gone through such incidents or not? I could not ask any of my brother or sisters about this? That means for whole life we could have suffered in absence of any communication on this aspect? My biggest horror was that what if this same man might have abused any of my sisters or brother? thus from that point of view i let him abused me so as to save my other sisters and brothers? no one will believe this but it is true. I purposely made bed for my siblings in the separate room where my mother and grandmother used to sleep and never let them sleep in my room. Since i thought if he comes to my room then only i will be available to him and not any of my sister or brother. I dont know whether what i did was right or wrong? But for whole life i carry the scar on my physical existence. More over the psychological scar i have to carry till my death.

Umrao Jaan ada

This song is USP of film Umrao Jaan. She, Ameeran her real name, was abducted and brought up in a Kotha. There she is taught or trained to entertain men, patrons. Some time forcibly, sometime emotional black mailing.In such Kothas all tactics were used. 

The dance, or so to say Mujra is organised to celebrate the deflowering, Nath Utarai, or missi of a young girl, Bismil the daughter of Khanam bi, the owner, or the supreme of that Kotha. Thus this was an opportune occasion to showcase the prima dona, or the ready to take off, gem of that Kotha. 

Such occasions provided the much required publicity in those times when social media was absent.

Many of well known rich persons were lured also to such occasions, as was done by the role played by Naseeruddin Shah. He lured the Nawad Jada or Nawab sultan, played by Farukh sheikh.

Thus this Gem of Kotha was displayed at this mehfil by Khanam jaan effectively. 

This dance was test or examination for training of so many years Umrao Jaan got, and Khanam invested money in hope of earning through this girl Ameeran which is renamed as Umrao.

But this girl portrays true longing, pain, she suffered all those years, after being abducted. Most often in such events of life those girls or women, onec came out of thier houses, villages, etc can never return to their families, just in name of saving the honour of family. Many women even if wanted to return could never do so. As was shown in this film also. When she sings Kya Jagah Hai dosto?

She remembers and recognises the place where she lived as a girl Ameeran, But when she returns to her home, meets her mother, the unsaid, emotions are conveyed through eyes. Whole storm Ocean comes out through eyes. Mother and daughter unite even for few moments. 

Those moments were captured beutifully, and heart touching ways by Muzaffar Ali saheb. He is a true RAJA, Master of many crafts.

I think he might have been very close to his mother. He must have observed ladies of zenana. That's why he has shown authentic characteristics of each role in this film Umrao Jaan.

She sings just to catch attention of her patron.
Rekha ji had also done a song in Muqaddar ka sikander, and this dance became so famous that she was crowned as the queen of such dances.

Dhrupad

Justju Jis Ki Thi - Umrao Jaan