Child Abuse at Home? what was it? why me? he was elder to me?

vkt fQj og xkuk lqukbZ iM x;k Vhoh ijA ,d dejs es cUn gks vkSj pkHkh [kks tk;A  bl xkus dks lqudj mlus tks flldkjk fy;k Fkk og vkokt vkt Hkh dkuks es xwta jgh gSA

ml fnu ?kj es dksbZ ugha FkkA lc yksx ckgj x;s FksA fiDpj esa og xkuk vk;k rc og flldh ys dj fleV x;k FkkA fQYe [kRe gksus ij [kkuk [kk;k nksuks usA dqN mijh fn[kkok djus yxs nksuks tSls fdlh ?kMh+ dk bUrtkj dj jgs FkssA vkf[kj og ?kMh+ vk gh x;hA

iyxa ij dksbZ lks;k FkkA jkr dk vU/kdkj Fkk pkjks rjQA dqN fn[k ugha jgk FkkA og cs[kcj Hkh Fkk fd ?kj es dksbZ vkSj ugha gS tks ns[k ysxkA blls igys fd jkr dk v/kadkj vkSj ?kgjkrk nwljk lk;k dc ml iyxa es vkx;k irk gh ugh pykA g`n;xfr gFkhSsMs+ lh okj dj jgh Fkh ij 'kk;n lqukbZ fdlh dks ugha ns jgh FkhA iyxa ij Hkwpky py jgk FkkA vc nks vkd`fr;ks dks vyx ls nsk fxuk ugh tk ldrkA nksuks ,d gks x;h FkhA dMkds dh lnhZ jkr dk ?kuk v/ksjk vkSj mlij ?kj es fdlh dk ugha gksuk lc feydj dkj.k curs gSa mls cy'kkyh cukus ds fy,A 
muds lkeus rks eS ,d NksVh lh tkuA mlds fy, rks jtkbZ es mldk f'kdkj Fkk ftls og tc pkgs tSls pkgs oSls bLrseky dj ldrk FkkA ogh mlus fd;kA cl fQj D;k Fkk ge rks jg x, dsoy ,d dBiqryh dh rjgA nks cnu ,d jtkbZ es ,d nwljs es xqFexqFFkk gks dj lnhZ ls yMrs jgsA

mlus ckgksa es dl fy;k vkSj ckgksa ds ?ksjs es og NksVh tku dlelk xbA cMs lk;s us NksVs cnu dks pkjks rjQ ls ckgksa es tdM fy;kA dqN fojks/k u ikdj mles cy vk x;kA
og gels mez es cMs FksA db cjlks ls esjs ?kj ij gh :drs FksA gedks ckgksa es tdM dj pweus yxsA og cMk lk;k NksVs lk;s ij vk?kkr lk djus yxkA mlus vkosx c<k fn;k vkSj iwjs vkosx ls NksVs cnu ij vk?kkr djus yxkA vkSj eS dqN dlelkm rks rqjUr <hys gks tkuk ckgkas es I;kj ls Hkj ysuk vkSj <sj lkjs xhys pqEcu nsuk vkfn djrk jgk ml jkrA eq>s brus cMs cnu ds uhps nck fn;k tSls ihl fn;k gksA vkSj fQj mij ls tksj tksj ls vk?kkr djuk lc vthc lk Fkk og mldk vthc lh flldkjh Hkjh vkokt fudkyuk vHkh rd esjs dkuks es xwtrh gSA

fQj tc Hkh og 'kgj vkrk rks gekjs ?kj gh ij :drk A

cl tSls jkr gksus dk bUrtkj djrkA jkr dks lc lks tkrsA jkr ds vU/skjs esa f'kdkjh ekSds dk Qk;nk mBk dj esjs mij dc /kkok cksy nsrk Fkk irk ugha pyrk FkkA D;ksfd ge lks jgs gksrs FksA ijUrq tc eq>s vius cnu es dqN gksus yxrk Fkk rc gh irk py ikrk Fkk fd og vk x;k gSA ml jkr Hkh og vk;k FkkA

’kke ls ge f[kMdh ls ijns dh vksV ls ns[k jgs Fks mlsA ge mlds lkeus ugh tkuk pkgrs Fks! mls tSls irk Fkk fd ge mls ns[k jgs gSaA mlus f[kMdh dh rjQ ns[k dj eqLdqjk;k FkkA ges yxk fd gekjh pksjh idMh xbA ij og ’kSrku rks ns[k dj glrk gh jgkA geus lcds fy;s pk; cukb ij vc ckgj rks tkuk gh iM+k pk; nsus ds fy,A ml le; ml dh vk[kksa esa ’kSrkuh ns[kh FkhA og ?kwjrs gq, eqLdqjk jgk FkkA

jkr dks [kkus ds ckn lc lks x,A ge nsj jkr i<kbZ djrs FksA vius dejs es vkx,A irk ugha dc ge lks x,A lksrs le; dqN vthc eglwl gqvkA

पर कइ बार कुछ अजिब हो चुका था इसलिये ज्यादा ध्यान नही दे पाये. फिर कुछ सामने की तरफ होने लगा. सोते हुये ही 'kk;n उसने हमे अपनी बाँहो ले लिया था | 

हम तो अराम से बाँहो के जाल मे बन्ध गये थे. कभी वह इधर चwमता कभी अपनी बाँहो मे कस कर भीच देता. अगर हम जरा सा हिलते तो अपने गीले चुम्बन से हमें गीला कर देता.  हम फिर सो जाते. जब कुछ देर के बाद हमdks लगा कि हम दबे जा रहे हैं तब हम जग गये. पता चला कि वह हमरे साथ मेरे बिस्तर मे है. और हमे अपनी बाँहो मे जकडे है. जैसे ही उसने जाना कि हम जग गये हैं अचkनक से कस कर अपनी मज्बूत बाँहो मे जकड कर चुम्बन लेने लगा | हो'k मे आने से पहले हि उसने अचनक से हमला सा कर दियk. कई बार अपने बदन से सिमटा लिया और जैसे अपने बदन मे समा लेगा bruh ताकत से कस कर दबा लियk. हम तो कुछ बोल हि नही पाये.

For first few days I could not guess what was happening to me. In morning I used to find some liquid on my front. during night I felt something unusual. While in sleep/ slumber I tried to turn but I could not. I found myself encircled in his arms. Noticing my uncomfort he cleverly loosened his grip of arms and put lot of liquid kisses over me, as if assuring me….  It was midnight I think, since I was deep in sleep. Again there was something happening. I felt myself clung to his chest and his arms encircled me. His one leg was on me. I was in his grip. He was elder to me and strong built. I was getting smell of his chest. different type of aroma was emancipating from his chest, armpits.   He kissed me on my forehead. 

I cling(ed) to his big body. Slowly as night progressed his grip on me also progressed. For the first time in my life I felt these kind of hugs and strong arms around me. His caressing on my body, Slowly touching all body parts were all amazing to me. Someone first time was touching my body. It was something new and surprising, strange.

I found both of his arms around me and i was sleeping clinging to his big body. He kissed me many times, while he was kissing, my lips touched his face. i think Immediately he noticed it. He smiled over my act. In that dark night i noticed his smiling. He again and again tried to repeat those things so that i may be tempted to do i.e. to kiss his cheeks. Thus after few attempts he put his cheeks on my lips so that i can kiss him.

He gave me a tight hug and slowly again kissed me all over as if rewarding me. He was touching as if i am a flower, so gently but yes his grips around me were firm Tight. He had strong arms and a big chest.  he had removed his banyan, my face was touching his bare skin of chest. Many times he was thrusting himself over me and while he was kissing his chest was touching my mouth. Then he once kissed on my chest. That time i felt strange feeling inside me. He had put his chest so close to me that while moving his nipples were almost inside my mouth. Thus his nipples touched my lips. He liked it very much. That time in DARKness i felt he laughed with giggles. He was again and again trying to let me do this thing. And in reward he would offer me his liquid kisses with tight hugs.

He pressed me close to his body. I found his leg on me. All my body was under him now, locked by this leg. I found he had removed his waist cloth (lungi/dhoti). his skin of leg touched my hand, my hand touched his thigh. A big bulk of flesh type of thing was on me. But it was soft skin touch. He started again kissing and in between adjusted me under his belly. He pulled me close to his belly. He had actually removed his cloths for this act i think. But while manipulating all this he never forgot to offer me soft kisses. Suddenly his hand grabed my hand in darkness and guided it towards something. It was big, bulbous, smooth, tube like, jerking and attached to his belly. He made my hand to grab it. Over my hand was his grip. After few seconds he tried to make some movements over his this tube with my hand as if trying to tell me what to do???. Up and down over that tool. I did not know what to do. It was bigger than my grip. He did it with his hand guiding my hand. Suddenly there is change in his behaviour. His grip became tight over my hand and he increased the frequency of movement of his hand. He placed arm tightly around me and pressed me towards his chest. I also griped him and with my mouth chewed his nipples on his chest. He had actually started liking this act of mine and he deliberately tried to do something so that I can do this act on him.

To my astonishment he was naked and I was under his belly, he guided my hand to do movements over his tool. He started doing it vigorously. And as his frequency increased with it his pressure on me and his tightening of arms around me also increased. He actually ascended on me and pressed me under his belly as if he will pierce my belly thrusting his lower belly on me. When I was completely under his chest and belly I could not bear weight of his body, I tried to run away from his grips. He was bigger than me. Strong built. He applied all his force to keep me under his belly as if he will crush me completely. I also tried all my force to come out of his grip. In that dark night I was fighting with this huge body of a strong man. He was completely naked. He many times tried to console me. He kissed me all over me and tried to say few nice words after loosening his arms. But this was for few seconds and suddenly he would become like an uncontrollable beast, again forcing his belly on me. Applying all my force I just slipped out of his grips and ran towards the bathroom. I don’t know for how much time I was there.

Actually he was elder to me thus I could not protest. He very often used to visit our home. While I used to study in my room, in evenings he used to come to my room And stood behind my chair. With his hands he caressed my arms, shoulders and sides of my body as for appreciation saying you are very good child and studious one. Keep it up and all that. But during all this he used to continuously touch all over me. During summers I also did not wear full sleeves, thus his palms keep on touching my skin of hands, neck, shoulders. All this while my chair was like a wall between him and me. Back was raised thus he used to grip me from back of chair.

In nights he used to sneak into my room during darkness of night. While I was sleeping he will cares my body, often took me into his arms etc, I could not notice it since I was sleeping. But yes when he often with full force used to grab my body into his arms then only I could notice that he has come to my bed. But over the years, as if my body got accustomed to his body and all his acts during night.

Many times I could not notice what has happened to me, since in slumber he used to lay beside me and used my body. Once During winter we had visited his village. Inside the quilt he grabbed me in night. He and me, as if we both knew what to do. I was sleeping or pretending i don’t know. He was lying beside me. He started rubbing his hands all over my body, caressing gently. Encircled his arms around me and kissed me. He came prepared today. He had no cloths inside. He had removed his loincloth. In that cold weather his body was warm. Since he had taken me in his grip of arms I also cling to him as if to feel warmth of his big chest. He had no hairs on his chest, bare chest. Two nipples were touching me. He kissed me and i think he knew what i was thinking. What was going on in my mind. Thus he adjusted himself and myself so that my mouth just touched his nipples. As i touched his nipples with my mouth he groaned. And in reward he kissed me and gave me a tight hug. He turned towards me, now we were face to face. 

My face was on his chest and his arms around me pulling towards him. One hand he guided towards that point, it touched his scrotum which was just a fluid like thing. Since he had already removed his underwear everything was within reach of my grip. He guided my hand to it and put grip on his manly tool. It was quite obvious now for me to follow. Since he had taught me many times what to do. He was vigorous. Vigorously he was rubbing his belly on me. He was making some sounds which i had never heard. He continuously kissed me. He put liquid kisses on me. He put his mouth on my cheek and rolled his warm tongue all over my cheek; with saliva my cheeks were wet. He fixed his lips on my cheeks and with force he kissed, as if with vacuum he pulled skin of my cheeks into his mouth. With his large mouth he tried to pull all my cheeks, later it started little pain. Then he kissed on my forehead and neck. I tried to kiss on his chest and nipples. He liked it and repeatedly for some time we played this. First he kissed me then he will put his chest on my mouth then i will kiss his nipples, in return he again kissed me, and then again he put his chest on me so that i can kiss his chest, thus it kept on many times. In that dark night when i cannot see anything in that room, he was playing with me for large part of night.

Then with lots of touching and kissing he turned me. Now he was towards my back. He suddenly tried to pull out my under wear. And he started putting fingers in my front and at the back while he was pressing his bare chest on my back and belly towards me. With little force he tried to insert his thumb at my back. I was uncomfortable and i ran out of cot.

Once, he stayed in our house. After finishing all the chores I also slept. Past midnight I felt something unusual, which was actually usual by now for my body to feel in nights, particularly when he is around. I felt some pressure at my back. Thinking of “usual”, my body tried to accommodate him. After some time again I felt pressure, I tried to roll over and change my position. I could not do. He was at my back and griping me into his arms tightly. He stoped me from changing my position. When I tried he with force didnt let me move. More forcefully, he grabed me towards his chest. Pushed me into his chest. I found that he had shifted my cloths also, and he was naked. Since his chest was touching my back. With the touch of skin I noticed that he was naked. His both arms around me pulling and pressing me towards his big chest. Thus my back was completely attached to his chest and belly and he was keeping it with force.

He applied more pressure. That time I felt uneasiness. All this while I was sleeping and all these years I was used to all this acts of him, thus I could not react instantly. But when the pressure grew and unbearable to me I tried to wake up. To my surprise he with his one hand applied saliva at my back and thrust his penis into my back. With all his might with thrust he pressed his penis on to me while pulling me towards his chest. It was half way through and I woke up to my senses and tried to come out of his grip. I applied all my force and ran out of the bed. He asked what happened child?..  what answer I could have given to him?? He was married this time when he did this.

He has ruined my life. Over the years i think he manipulated my body to his pleasure.

To this day i am unable to forget his touches, his kissing and his thrusting of penis inside me and touch of saliva.. this goes on at various times of day and night. I am unable to forget. I try to forget but sometimes in the darkness of night he takes over me and my body.


Many times the threat is not directly given by the tormentor. As i felt the threat is perceived in my mind. As if I tell what will happen? or Whom to tell? He is elder and known to me, i address him as brother, then who will listen to my complain? if i complain about any one elder? And many other terrifying thoughts comes to the mind of child who are exploited, may be not sexually but many times children are exploited in various ways. Since child does not know or understand what is going on with him or her. There is also a threat that If I tell anyone what this person will do to me?

In homes we observe that the tormentor(abuser) is often a familiar person to child victim.
Since those times in my life i had been thinking about my siblings. whether they had gone through such incidents or not? I could not ask any of my brother or sisters about this? That means for whole life we could have suffered in absence of any communication on this aspect? My biggest horror was that what if this same man might have abused any of my sisters or brother? thus from that point of view i let him abused me so as to save my other sisters and brothers? no one will believe this but it is true. I purposely made bed for my siblings in the separate room where my mother and grandmother used to sleep and never let them sleep in my room. Since i thought if he comes to my room then only i will be available to him and not any of my sister or brother. I dont know whether what i did was right or wrong? But for whole life i carry the scar on my physical existence. More over the psychological scar i have to carry till my death.